Campaign 2020: Trump Locks Up Pussy-Grabber Vote; Biden Leads with Boob-Grazers; This Battle Will Be Fought Over Ass Men

Sneaky Dirty Digit Joe has been slowly unveiling a strategy to chase typically loyal Trump followers.  Convinced that Pussy Grabbers will never leave Trump, the Biden camp astutely identified other vulnerable voter groups, and not traditionally vulnerable people like women, or the elderly. 

Biden’s campaign officials spent time identifying new voter populations in an exercise called ‘Up for Grabs’.  Following the analysis, staffers asked Joe if he felt connected to men who graze women’s breasts or pat women’s asses without consent.  Elated, he perked up: ‘I graze women’s breasts all the time! I prefer smelling their hair from behind, unrequested shoulder rubs, and so on -- but with the right spin, I could dominate in empathy with tit-grazers…asses never did it for me…’

He’s right. Voters who love extra-handsy hugs, a breast graze while reaching for the ketchup, and a staged trip whereby the only place to grab for safety is a woman’s bosom, have flocked in droves to Biden.

Trump and Biden both have largely ignored the ass men, and neither has a particularly strong record there.  Under advice from political strategists, they ignored the segment early on when Buttigieg had a convincing lock there.